I know that I am finally finding myself and that I had been lost down a really deep hole. A hole so deep that I didn’t know that difference between day and night. I was under the illusion that I had a life and that that life was fulfilling. I was living some dream that I couldn’t wake from and didn’t know I was even in.
I don’t know what happened to even wake me from my slumber. I think it was actually my decision to go to Scotland that made my whole world come unhinged. Unhinged, in the best sense of the word.
I know that I was just following a deep inner hunch that happened on Feb 17th2014. It happened outside of Blue Fish on the corner of Burlington Avenue and Main Street in the little town of Fairfield Iowa. It was strangely enough in the moments after my husband suffered from a massive pulmonary embolism. I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders and then the message came to me that the next long term, serious relationship that I would be in would be with a guy in Scotland. Weird, I know. The timing perhaps wasn’t appropriate, but I guess neither am I.
So, I know I am perhaps a little unconventional, perhaps a lot unconventional. I don’t deal well with expressing my emotions. My family didn’t raise me that way. I run, arms flailing in the air when the opportunity of speaking my mind out loud comes anywhere near to me. At least, this was the old me. This was the blanket I covered myself with up until this last fall. This blanket of sleeping, slumbering emotions that were kept tight down under lock and key. After the awakening, that’s what I will call the events that started occurring after 2/17/14. Actually, more even after I finally listened to that inner guidance and decided to go to Scotland, that’s when the shift started to manifest.
A little unconventional. That is what I like, or better yet, a hell of a whole lot of it. Favorite words based on the sound value. Fuck would have to be the number one word. Fucking, followed closely by Duck, Suck and Rucksack. It might go slightly beyond the sound value, perhaps meaning is too closely bound to it for me to only hear the sound of it.
I also like the sound of Blather, lather, rather and full stop. In that order. It brings to mind mindless bath time after a good hard work out. Candles lit, or the glow of the salt lamp dimly in the window sill. The body glistening in the steamy hot water infused with Dead Sea Salts. The worries, if there ever happen to be any clinging to my limbs would melt away like the 4-foot icicles that hang off the second-floor roof of the old farm house.
And today, I like the sound of the word Freak Storm, forlorn and worm hole. Where do these words even come from?
I see that there is really no time like the present to delve into the feeling state of total and utter surrender. To strip the self of all inhibitions and lay naked to the passions to dig in and find the hidden longing that is in there, under the surface of the fuck you and fuck off front that I put off when I am in the public eye. To lay there stretched out without any place to hide. Perhaps even bring out the ropes to bind me from trying to squirm out of this most vulnerable place. My back arches away from the pleasure, my hands grip tightly to the piles of pillows above my head. Holding on, letting go, riding the waves of pleasure that I crave and melt deeper and deeper into. I become the moan, something clicked, and I came full circle into the reality that passion is alive and well in my world. The real live, breathing and walking 4 miles a day world. It is hard to deny it when you are living the dream. Where water takes the weight of time, the swimmer, the dreamer, the wanderer down the path less taken.
I don’t see that there is any way to emerge from this life experience other than totally and utterly transformed. I am throwing stones thru the shallows. I am drifting in and out of consciousness. I am trying not to leave claw marks in his back or bite marks on his shoulders. In this whole wide world, I haven’t allowed myself to let go into pleasure like this day, this breath that amps up and I let out a cry of release, pulling my hair and shaking my head in abandon and release. I’m in too deep to come up for air now. I can’t even see the end of this and I don’t want to look for it. I am in gratitude for the experience. I allow and say yes to the opportunities as they show up at my door. He doesn’t even knock anymore. And I like that.A lit